'They said it would be fun...'
The trembling figure of Draktest looks at me with nervous eyes over the table. We're sitting in a small, well appointed common-room surrounded by relaxed young druids. I didn't ask where we were... Draktest had insisted that I brought here blindfolded. All he would say was that the precautions were necessary until this place was officially unveiled.
But I digress. Draktest still looks nervous. A couple of druids are playing a game of darts with what appear to be small, viciously sharp sickles. Draktest visible starts every time one thumps into the board. His face is haggard, his body bent in places at angles I had previously assumed to be anatomically impossible. The skin that isn't covered in bandages is scarred, charred, and in one particularly noticeable area, missing entirely. His whole body shakes, and I hand over the small hip flask of Morporkian Whiskey I had, which he gratefully raises to his lips. The sound of the bottle beating against his teeth as he spasmodically twitches is unsettling.
'I didn't want to be a test character', he finally says. I listen quietly, making little scratches on my notepad that would eventually form this interview. 'Well, that's a lie. I don't want to be a test character now.'
'Why would that be?', I ask. 'I would have thought it would be fun... seeing new and interesting places before everyone else.'
Draktest snorts loudly.
'Oh, yeah... great fun. In the past week, I've seen the innards of a yeti's stomach, the insides of a druid bonfire, experienced ritual disembowelment first hand, and tripped in the shower and bruised my ankle.'
I look at him curiously.
'Well, okay, the last one wasn't directly linked to my job, but it hurt like hell!'
'What's Drakkos like to work for?'
Draktest whimpers at the name of his boss.
'He's a real... interesting boss. Real interesting. And not at all sadistic. Interesting, and caring, and not at all mean and vicious. And he's not snooping me all the way through this conversation either.'
Draktest looks around furtively before taking my pad in his hands and writing a quick sentence. He places a finger to his lips and makes a light 'shhhh' noise, before handing the pad back to me. It has the phrase 'Help me!' written in Draktest's curiously random handwriting.
'Er... okay. Tell me, what kind of things does a test character normally do?'
'Well, the job description is something like 'Meet new and interesting people, help in the development of a world, visit far flung lands and explore their depths!'.
'Sounds great!'
'Yeah, doesn't it?'
'So why are you such a nervous wreck?'
'Well, the real job description would read: 'Meet new and interesting people (And be killed by them. Often). Help in the development of a world (By dying often in horrible and painful ways), visit far flung lands (and die (often)) and explore their depths (and be drowned in them)'.
'Oh... right. Risky business, then?'
'Well... let me give you an example. Yesterday, I was checking out this huge stone circle in the Ramtops. Drakkos gave me a lovely, warm cloak and hood... to keep me warm, he said. Then he whistled for a couple of heavy looking druids to come in. They looked at me and nodded cheerfully. Then he pulled down my hood.'
'What happened then?'
'The druids kicked the living snot out of me'.
'Ouch.'
'They said I looked like someone who had stolen the archdruid's underwear, but I knew they were just acting on Drakkos' orders. Then they burned me to death.'
'What was Drakkos doing during this?'
'Laughing his ass off.'
'Sorry to hear that.'
'Hell, at least he was paying attention to me... usually he forgets I'm there and wanders off to do his own thing. He's left me frozen to death in the mountains, surrounded by ravenous spiders, and in one particularly scary occasion, he left me...'
'Yes?'
Draktest breaks down into fevered sobbing. 'He left me outside the Drum with all the players!'. The heaving sobs escape Draktest's body as the horrid memories come flooding back to him.
I sit quietly while Draktest cries his eyes out, and read over my notes. I notice I've unconsciously doodled a picture of Draktest being burnt on a druid bonfire, a little speech bubble coming from his head saying 'Eek!'. I giggle to myself while Draktest regains his composure
'I don't think you're taking me seriously.', he says accusingly.
'Non*giggle*sense!', I say. 'How do you and Drakkos get on in a... let's just say, non-professional capacity?'
'He... touches me'.
'Right, moving along', I say hurriedly. 'How are the hours?'
'Bad. I have to work constantly while he just says rude things on the creator channel. I'm the real driving force behind all his projects... he just spams all his various channels with sick and obscene comments.'
'Ah. I see. So your overall opinion would be that being a test character is not worth it?'
'No, my overall opinion is that crawling on your lips through broken glass is not worth it. I can't say what my opinions on being a test character are in a public interview'.
'Draktest, thank you for your time. It's much appreciated.'
'Don't mention it. Especially not to my... Aaaarrrghhh!!!'
As I pull off my rubber mask, Draktest screams in absolute fear. His knees sag and he slumps into a burbling heap on the ground below the table.
'Drakkos!'
'Hello Draktest. On your feet. I have some more work for you...'
MWAH-ha-ha-ha-ha!