Satisfaction Guaranteed, or your Money Back! [1]
Greetings and salutations, oh inquisitive ones. Welcome to this short, but hopefully instructional, document on the various ways you can Improve [2] Your Sex Life while on Discworld. Some may say that netsex is dull, boring, and hopelessly unable to fulfil any carnal needs that may be coursing through your nubile young bodies. This may be so... but in an attempt to provide more information on which to base your opinion, I present this humble document. Part one of a perhaps on going series. [3]
Yes, you too can indulge in this Popular Pastime while on the Discworld. There are numerous farm animals in rural locations... indeed, the most difficult thing in this whole endeavour is to find the energy! Popular haunts include Razorback, where the goats roam[4], and Dinky, where a regenerating supply of eager farm-birds can be located with little effort.
The only problem with this technique is the lack of feedback. Farm animals are notoriously hard to satisfy, and although you can remote your actions to them, they're unlikely to give you even a satisfied bleat in return. Your best bet is to assume dominance and simply concentrate on your own Filthy Pleasures. The animal won't mind... it's probably used to it. [6]
The comments above are, of course, of primary use to men. With the imminent introduction of horses to the Disc, women will also be able to indulge in their own particular brand of Animal Magnetism [8]
Women are particularly well catered for in this particular respect on Discworld. In fact, for 150 visits to the Discworld, you get a little present that is rather well suited to the job at hand [9]. There are also numerous implements available elsewhere that are equally good, if not better, in certain respects. It's a well known fact that a wizard's staff, for example, has a knob on the end... be warned tho', that the typical wizard's staff is over six foot long, and it's unlikely you'll be able to manage the whole length without extensive preliminary stretching exercises [10].
Men, on the other hand, are sadly under-represented in this respect. Of course, the two main devices mentioned above can easily be put to use if you're inclined to think about it a little... but the male reproductive organ has little in the way of artificial substitutes on Discworld. The baker on Baker Street does do a rather nice doughnut that fits nicely around an average sized penis [11], and if used while still warm, provides a rather interesting sensation. WARNING - Do *not* insert your penis in any of these doughnuts while they are still in the oven, no matter how hot and inviting they look. You'll end up with third degree burns along your willy, and nobody wants that [12].
Again, this is an area of sexual exploration that is more than adequately available on Discworld. In fact, there are certain locations you can't even walk at night without getting treated to it [13]. If you wish to explore this avenue, a suggested pick up strategy would be:
> A tough warrior is standing here.
You say: Hey big boy, show me your willy.
> A tough warrior says in djelian: Whadder ya tink yer lookin' at?
You say: Your big biceps and manly physique. Do you work out?
> A tough warrior says in djelian: Ug.
You say: Want to come back to my place for bouncy bouncy?
The tough warrior says in djelian: Git outta my way.
You say: I'm going to spank your buttocks raw, you little minx!
> You prepare to attack a tough warrior.
You tickle the tough warrior in the stomach.
> The tough warrior kicks you into a bloody pulp.
You say: More! More! Beat me, baby!
> The tough warrior kicks you into a bloody pulp.
You say: Oh god, oh god, I think I'm in love!
> The tough warrior kicks you in the face.
You moan in ecstasy.
> The tough warrior elbows you in the face.
You shudder in orgasmic release.
Someone says: MY, WE'VE BEEN A BIT CARELESS, HAVEN'T WE?
Obviously, seeking pleasure in this way is not without its risks.
In a city like Ankh-Morpork, it's quite possible to find yourself tripping over corpses and skeletons, even in very busy streets. This is due to the quite stunningly bad sanitation in the city, and the unusually lax attitude towards the sanctity of life by local adventurers. In such an atmosphere of death and destruction, it is not uncommon to feel a little aroused. Why, I myself often walk around with an erection the size of a large kayak [15] in some of the more dangerous parts of the land. [16]
Obviously, the urge to act on this arousal is strong... which is why it's important to make a few warnings about the act.
1) Do it somewhere secret. Most citizens on the Disc object to someone standing over a dead body and leering, unless it involves relieving them of their wallet. [17]
2) When moving the corpse, make sure you don't tire yourself out and end up puffing and panting with sweat dripping off your forehead. If you're in a public street, you run the risk of people thinking you're up to point 1).
3) Practice safe sex! Wear two condoms, since maggots will usually eat through the first.
4) Practising the act invariable produces a sound somewhat similar to someone slapping a bag of wet porridge against a brick wall. Make sure you desensitise yourself to this noise before hand, or it will ruin the mood.
5) Corpses cannot provide their own lubrication. You'll need a small bicycle pump and a jar of KY.
Aside from that, there's nothing to it! Just have fnu! Oh... provided it's not with the corpse of a relative... that's just sick.
Anyway, that's all for this week... next week we'll plump the depths of depravity once more and expand your minds, as well as your orifices, with another bevy of tasty techniques. Until then, Happy Humping!
Drakkos.
[1] Not a guarantee.
[2] Well...
[3] I'll write it until you pay me to stop.
[4] If you take the goat to the edge of the cliff, they push back better. [5]
[5] So I'm told.
[6] The Razorback goat is, anyway. [7]
[7] So I'm led to believe.
[8] Think Catherine The Great.
[9] Pardon the expression.
[10] Or a Pishite to resurrect you when you burst your internals.
[11] Girth of an inch and a half. Tell me the average is more than this, and I'll cry.
[12] *trust* me.
[13] Skund Forest, The Yeti Trail, The Screaming Parrot Tavern in Ankh-Morpork [14]
[14] Ring top bell. Say Drakkos sent you.
[15] Large Kayak == Small Nubbin
[16] And in fact, most other places too.
[17] And it's no good reaching into the trouser pocket and fumbling for ten minutes pretending to look for their wallet... AM citizens catch on real fast.